Building Reciprocal Kinship
Me: It’s all about RECIPROCAL KINSHIP, respectful relationship.
Other Me: Of course it is, Janet. What the heck is the big deal about that?
Practicing Reciprocal Kinship
Kinship involves reciprocity. We all claim we practice this, because that is our intent. But when we examine our actions closer and with an honest appraisal, are we practicing reciprocity or entitlement?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you have, or have had, someone in your life who expected you to drop whatever you’re doing so you can accomodate their request:
…Would you mind watching the kids while I go to a movie?
…I’d love to have you come to my party; by the way, bring your music and you can play the piano for us while you’re here.
…My car is going into the repair shop, can I borrow yours that day? I’m going out to lunch with friends (and of course, you haven’t been invited to the lunch).
Doesn’t that just leave you feeling like yesterday’s trash??!
It’s the same when we are in relationship with our animal kin.
Say, for example, you have a cardinal that regularly visits your yard and you’re always running to her/him with requests.
…What wisdom do you have for me today?
…I’m going to take some pictures of you to share on social media.
…”I need you to heal me” and then expect the cardinal to take care of you right then and there
Kinship doesn’t happen overnight, or happen because it’s solely your intention to build it with the cardinal. It starts with reciprocity, a mutual agreement to consider even having a relationship. Assuming that is agreed upon, there follows a building and tending of the relationship. There needs to be mutual cooperation and guidelines established. This takes time, patience, perseverance, respect and the willingness to heed and respect another one’s agency.
Reciprocal kinship is not about you, it not about getting your needs met. It’s not about what you think you’re entitled to receive from the animal.
It’s about
- Recognizing animals have their own experiences and lives to live.
2. Recognizing the animal’s experience doesn’t need to be validated from the human perspective to make it authentic.
3. Recognizing true kinship takes attention and tending, and is not something that is dusted off at your whim
Reciprocal kinship starts with using those words we all learned early on in life: please, may I, thank you. It’s about your willingness to not come from an entitled stance. Reciprocal kinship is about your willingness to no longer take for granted you are entitled to be in relationship with an animal.
First Steps To Building Reciprocal Kinship
What are some starter steps to buiding kinship?
- Listen to your heart instead of listening to what others say you ‘should’ do.
2. Be aware of the complexities of being an animal person in today’s society.
3. Slow down and smell the roses. Or in this case, watch the animals. ;-)
4. Take a moment and appreciate the unique connection you have with animals.
You Can Do This
Do those steps sound too easy and almost inconsequential? They’re actually quite profound and deeper than simply connecting to an animal. What you’re actually doing is changing yourself: your perspective, your expectation, your sense of entitlement and perhaps even your need to play a certain role to the animal.
The good news is this kind of work is meant to be done in community, not solo. Community offers us support, accountability, encouragement and even cheer-leading when needed. We’re not meant to be lone rangers.
Community offers a central gathering place where you can have a “Me too!” moment as you listen and witness folx stories about their relationship with animals, and where you can offer your story to be heard and witnessed.
As Margaret Weakley says: “When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other.”
If you’re ready to be a part of a community that believes animals have the same rights you do and your relationship with them should be seen through the lens of kinship, I invite you to sign up for my newsletter and join me on Instagram.
Janet Roper is an animist, elder and communicator and for 20+ years has helped people restructure their relationship with animals. Two of her most popular resources are her monthly newsletter and her 5 email introductory series to her signature program Deepen.
