Choose Your Words Carefully

This is a transcript of a conversation I had with guest Tracie Nichols on the True Kinship With Animals podcast. Tracie is a Transformative Language Artist helping women write themselves home. A poet, facilitator and copyeditor, she is the founder of the Saturday Writing Circle and the co-founder of the Embodied Writers group. She writes and facilitates from under the wide reach of two old Sycamore trees in southeastern Pennsylvania where Strider the Determined, her large ginger tabby cat family member, often supervises her progress.

You can hear the entire conversation on your favorite podcast platform.

JR: Hi Tracie, welcome to the show! It’s so good to have you back here again. I’ve really appreciated all of our years of friendship and connection and delighted to have you as a guest on this show. I am wondering, you have talked about your animal family and your cat in particular, I am so intrigued by that and the name you came up with for your cat. Can you tell the listening audience a little bit about that?

Tracie: Sure. (laughter) Hey Janet, it’s really good to be back here, thanks for inviting me. So Strider is a cat that came — he found us. Where we live there are farms around us that people sadly tend to dump animals, cats in particular, in tact male cats in particular. So the cats that have been part of our family for the last 25 years almost all of them have been male and have been strays who found us because someone gave them away or shooed them out of their car. So Strider just kind of showed up and walked into the house. (laughter) Jim opened the door to the house and Strider strolled in and he is ….. we call him the Strider the Determined because his pad is (laughter) he’s a big cat, he’s an adult, about 22 pounds of orange, ginger tabby cat and just, simply is remorseless anytime when he wants something. (laughter) And he’s a giant personality, so we ended up with the name Strider, which he seemed to agree with, we presented him with a couple of options and we have the history of naming, suggesting names, to our animal family members that are out of Lord of the Rings. So Elrond proceeded Strider and Strider just, you know, (laughter) we never considered Aragorn, which, you know is Strider’s nest name, but it’s because he strides, we laugh, because you can hear him walk through the house. So there’s just something that’s very determined, very sturdy about him. Yah. So when we suggested Strider he seem to think the name of the king was perfectly appropriate, and you know, I added the determined because, you know, he is.

JR: Yah.

Tracie: So that’s the story of Strider the Determined.

JR: You know that’s so interesting that you presented him with some names —

Tracie: Uh-huh

JR: — instead of just giving him a name that you, or your human family had decided on. I just love that.

(laughter)

JR: I just think that’s such a wonderful way to honor the animal’s spirit and to be in connection with them —

Tracie: Uh-huh

JR: — and to let them decide, you know, that’s grand.

JR: So what do you consider to be true kinship with animals?

Tracie: You know it’s interesting. At the time you asked me that my brain just like….. I think for me Janet, it’s always been about reciprocal relationship, and not considering any…any other than other human being to be somehow lower life form or something that I have the right to have jurisdiction over. And so I kind of come to think about it as if ok, how would I want to be treated. I sort of use the Golden Rule and I distribute this attitude among all other than human beings, whether they’re animals or plants or birds. I mean it just doesn’t matter. The entire planet, all living creatures are you know part of my — our — kin, our family. Some are more distant family but you know, they’re family. So that’s the way I approach it.

JR: Yah. Now you’re a wordsmith, so I am fascinated by the word you used ‘reciprocal’.

Tracie: Hmmm.

JR: Because when I first think about that, I think, it’s like ‘oh everything is happy. You know, we’re connected, life is good’, all that kind of stuff. But do you think ‘reciprocal’ can also mean humans need to hear the word ‘no’ from the animals?

Tracie: Of course. I mean to me a reciprocal relationship means that I treat whoever I’m in relationship with, with all the respect I would want to be treated with. And I assume that I have the right to say ‘no’ in any relationship and therefore any being that I am in relationship with deserves the right to say ‘no’ to me as well. That’s a healthy relationship. So anything that goes on in a human healthy relationship I think can go on in a more than human healthy relationship. So yah.

JR: Yah. And I think I mean it’s so ingrained in us, at least from my perspective and what I observe that humans have hierarchy over animals and it is so time for that to be broken.

Tracie: Hmmm.

JR: You know it’s like yah, let’s just get rid of that, that’s not doing anybody any good.

Tracie: No. Certainly not. And it’s you know, one of the things that’s interesting, Janet, is our assumptions, or our definitions as human beings, what is life and what is living, is based entirely on self reference. So we look at something that has eyes and a mouth and breathes like we do and we assume that it’s a living creature. But we don’t assume it’s as living as we are because we’re the pinnacle, we’re the ones making the definitions. And so when you use words, which is our primary form of communication, and the primary way to categorize and allow our brains to understand things, when you use language to create an identity for something else and you’re the one who is god-like creating that identity, then of course everything else you identify is going to be a little bit less human, of less importance, of less worth while than you are. So….

JR: Yah. And can I take it a step farther and say less cat like, less dog, less horse like…

Tracie: Absolutely

JR:….by extension.

Tracie: Um humm

Jr: Yes. You know when we were prepping for this and I had asked you this question “Tracie, what do you find to be the benefits of being in true kinship with animals?” and you gave this lovely answer that literally stopped me in my tracks. So do you care to expound upon the benefits of being in true kinship with animals?

(laughter)

Tracie: I’m — wow. I’m not even, I can’t remember entirely what I said in that response to you Janet, but I think it was along the lines of it never occurred to me to think about that as a benefit, because I’m just in relationship with them, I mean they’re family. It’s just second nature. It was an odd thing to try and think about. Why is there a benefit to me? It’s just a relationship.

JR: And that was such a wonderful experience for me because I use that word because, you know,I just wrote it and it was down there and there you go, and I asked the question. And then when I realized what I was actually saying by using the word ‘benefit’, and thank you, very much, for helping me understand that, I was going well, ok, here’s a new way I can practice true kinship by not using that word and by not being in that frame of mind.

Tracie: Um humm

JR: Yah, thank you for that, I really appreciate that. It was very enlightening.

Tracie: It was interesting for me to think about it, because you know, it’s not a perspective I’ve ever considered before. And yet, I think it is perhaps a perspective that many of us unconsciously live by. And so when somebody asks me a question, I have to really think about my assumptions and my beliefs and the words and the language that I use to characterize that relationship or to describe the way I relate to something, that helps me to unearth those unconscious beliefs that we get socialized into.

JR: Exactly!

Tracie: And then if I can see it and look at it, turn it around and poke at it in the light of day, it helps me to say “is that a belief I really want to continue to perpetuate; do I want to perpetuate that belief, do I want to continue following that?” If so, cool, I’ll tuck it back inside, if not, thank you and good bye.

JR: Yah, yah, and do you find that it takes conscious awareness of that? Like you’re always examining it and by ‘you’re’ I don’t you or me in particular, I just mean that is the state of being, is always being in the state of consciously examining of what’s going on with the words, and how they affects the animals and the conditions they can create. Because of the word that is chosen.

Tracie: Yes, I think, you know, Janet, one of the best things — I’m a poet and you mentioned I’m a ‘wordsmith’. But as a poet, one of the benefits of being a word artist, is I’m in this constant state of noticing. Everything — everything is up for grabs. Nothing is on the table because that is how I discover the next thing I want to write about. Noticing, just noticing, everything, filtering it through my muse sense. But I think as human beings we are absolutely designed to notice all the time, so we have the option to enter into our noticing, and let ourselves grow really really curious about what words am I using in this interaction. What words do I use to describe the animals with which I live. Like for the longest time, I would have used the word ‘pet’ to describe any animal that was living in my home with me and I find that word inappropriate and belittling to this animal that has chosen to come into my home. So I started calling any animal companions animal family. Because that in my mind that word ‘family’ reminds me of status. That Strider has the status of family member. You know, I would not make any decisions for Strider that I would not make for any other family member.

JR: Yah.

Tracie: That word shift from pet to family member. I also try not to say my cat Strider, which I realize is just…..but Strider is not mine, Strider belongs to himself.

JR: Yah.

Tracie: And I think some is on the Strider, but you know.

(laughter)

JR: Yah. The nuances are just incredible to become aware of that. And going back to the word ‘benefit’ as you were talking a little bit earlier I was thinking and I know I’ve thought this before about that “Oh, my cat Raven, he benefits by living with me because I take as much care of him as I can. Well, hello, no, that may not be true. You know, it’s like I’m I’m doing my best but it’s an assumption I’m laying on him by assuming that he benefits from living with me.

Tracie: Right.

JR: Yah. And I think it’s also important to say, from my experience anyway, that this is something we all go through. As we start working in true kinship we start to become aware of the languaging we are using and, ah, how it affects the animal family we are using it on or the animals in the neighborhood or the animals in the wild or the feral animals. Animals in general.

Tracie: Right.

JR: And do you find, as a wordsmith again, a very magical wordsmith I might add….

Tracie: (laughter) Thank you.

JR: …..do you find find there there is, I don’t know, like a history or power behind the words that is implied in let’s say using the word ‘pet’, it’s implied to that animal, that all the history of how many centuries that word has been used, that’s been piled behind the actual word and that comes into play when we are talking about the word pet.

Tracie: Um-humm. Yes. When you think about it, words carry not just the…….there’s the dictionary meaning and then there’s the cultural and social meanings that we kind of layer on top of that, and then there’s the history of that word and how it’s been used. And that’s another layer. And then there’s the fact that if you’re speaking aloud, or singing then that word is projected into the word not with just the definitions, and you know the associations our brain makes, but then it goes out there a little vibration. So it’s existing as a wave form. So yes. And that’s one of the reasons it can get really hard to shift the way we refer to things. Because we think “Oh I know what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter that I used that word ‘pet’ or ‘my cat Strider’ you know, it doesn’t matter because I know I think of him as family.” But at the same time there is this subtle reinforcement that goes on whenever we use that demeaning term again. Whether we’re referring to animals, or humans, or you know, groups of people, whatever it is, there is this subtle reinforcement that keeps driving those assumed points home.

JR: And I think there’s a little acceptance that it’s OK to use the word.

Tracie: Yah. And I think one of the struggles I have, just as a human being trying to align my beliefs with my actions has been shifting over those speaking patterns, the writing patterns and becoming very deliberate about the words I choose. And I speak right, and again being a poet helps with that, because especially when writing a very short poem, which I love to do, you know, every word has to carry a great deal of weight. So I choose them very deliberately, so I’ve gotten better at choosing words that are specific about the language I’m using. But I think even as human beings, even if we just offer ourselves that opportunity to slow down what we’re doing. Slow down our responses. You know if somebody says something or we’re going to say something, you know, just slow that down a little bit, think of the words and speak carefully. I think that can have an impact on a lot of interactions, you know, not just how we’re interacting with animals, but how we’re interacting with other people.

JR: Yes.

Tracie: I think, you know, I fall flat on my face all the time and I think “Oops, OK, that’s not what I meant to do” and back up, next time, how do I want to phrase that, what language do I choose not to use.

JR: Yah. And from what I understand you’re saying Tracie, is that as we are changing our languaging in our relationship with animals, it’s not a destination, it’s almost like it’s a full time job….practice, not job, practice, that you’re doing every time, in every relationship, in every moment of the time….

Tracie: Um-humm

JR: …..and there are times when you’re going to slip back, because, you know, I think society expects us to slip back

Tracie: Um-humm

JR: and wants us to slip back.

Tracie: Absolutely, you know people push back when you try to change. They’re like “wait, you’re not in…you’ve stepped out of your slot. I don’t know what to do with you. I’m going to try to push you back, and try to stick you back in the slot I put you in…” Yet, YET, we need to continue to try to step out of those boxes we’ve occupied for so long. And I think it’s a practice, absolutely. And I think of it as a creative practice, and I remember I need to be gentle with myself, because if I’m harsh with myself that doesn’t accomplish anything. Then I just go plop.

(laughter)

JR: Right.

Tracie: So there’s that. But it is. It’s an exploration of practice, and to me it’s a fun one, but at the same time, for people who working with words is not the thing they love, I think it can be a little bit irritating. But it is worthwhile because you get to change the way you speak the language you use to define yourself, the relationships that happen in passing that define yourself and to redefine, to begin influencing how your community defines itself. I think that is really powerful, there’s a whole set of cultural ______ that I’ve been working with and it’s about how language and words, writing, speaking, signing, work to change personally or change society.

JR: Yah. I definitely hear what you’re saying. And we do need to be gentle with ourself because if we’re not we’re just reinforcing all of that ‘do it this way, do it that way, you should’ ……

Tracie: Yes.

JR: Yah.

Tracie: Reinforcing the harshness and that’s not helpful.

JR: Right, right. And I also find it very interesting from my own observation and with my own animal family and with clients, that we are so often using the best words we know how to use that’s in our dictionary so to speak, and our lexicon, but it’s taking that step to do things differently. And the fact that there are not words in the dictionary or the lexicon that define animals, describe animals, as a living relationship, that tells us a lot right there.

Tracie: Doesn’t it, though.

JR: Yah. It’s like OK, if it’s time to be broken, and I do believe it’s time to break that cycle, who is going to do it, but you or me or a listener or somebody else.

Tracie: Um-humm.

JR: It’s up to us, I don’t see Webster’s Dictionary changing in the near future. But you know…

(laughter)

Tracie: Well, I see it changing when enough of the world is speaking differently. When we have creative words or phrases that become part of the, part of the consciousness, part of the societal consciousness then dictionaries will change and include those words.

JR: Now I’m just curious as you were working on your own journey in changing your words in relationship to Strider the Determined…..

(laughter)

JR: …did you ever experience falling back into an old way of referring to him and have Strider react to that?

(laughter)

Tracie: Strider has the best stupid human look I have ever seen on any cat. So if I have misspoken or I have referred to him or our relationship in a way he doesn’t appreciate, that look happens and I know he means it and I will apologize. I will apologize and I will work to change whatever it is I’ve done. There’s no question.

JR: Yah. And Raven does the same thing. He gives me that look ‘you’ve got to be kidding me, I thought I had trained you better than that’….

(laughter)

Tracie: ‘What were you thinking’.

JR: ‘What were you thinking human, let’s get with the program here’. And I think that’s OK, because it’s a learning process, and that brings me to community. As we are making such vast changes not only in ourselves and our relationship with animals, but literally changing the world by doing this, we need community. To stand by us, to cheerlead us on and to say ‘Hey, Janet. You used that word benefit again, what were you thinking?’.

(laughter)

JR: For myself when I’m trying to change a habit, I don’t find it’s check it off a list and it’s done, there’s always going back, going back, because it shows up in a different level, it shows up in a different way. And it’s that conscious awareness, which to me is another reason to be in community — like-minded community that you trust and that can hold space for you as you are making this change.

Tracie: Um-humm. Absolutely. I think that’s essential no matter what changes you’re trying to make, and certainly when you’re attempting to reorient the entire perspective of a culture.

JR: Yah.

Tracie: Yah.

(laughter)

JR: I mean just changing from the word ‘pet’ to ‘animal family’, that’s revolutionary.

Tracie: Yah.

(laughter)

JR: That is really revolutionary and do you find that again as the magical wordsmith, words do create revolution?

Tracie: Oh yes.

JR: The energy behind them.

Tracie: Yes. Certainly the energy, I mean (laughter) the energy, yes. I mean you can literally point to revolutions that were if not founded by, certainly centered by and driven by words of the spoken language.

JR: Yes. Exactly. And now let’s go to another word ‘owner’.

Tracie: Ummmm

JR: Yah. And again, I think people use it because, again whatever the are there that we can use, but it’s creating the words we want to use that creates the true kinship that we want to be in and the animals want to be in with us, or can be in with us, I should say.

Tracie: Right. Owner, yah, that one’s really difficult. I’ve never been able to feel like an owner of another living being, so I needed to start finding different words. And family member, Strider’s family — and the other thing I notice, I try to be really cautious not to, is I try not to infantilize. I am not Strider’s mom. I am not his mommy or his mom, I am Strider’s family member, or kin. Companion is another word that I will use, Strider’s our cat companion. See, there I used ‘our’ and then that set off. Yah, it’s interesting to dig around and find words that fit better. Because I cannot be in true kinship with Strider if I refer to him, if I’m top over him. Does not compute.

JR: Yah, or he’s your fur baby.

Tracie: No, he’s not my fur baby.

JR: Yah, Raven hates that word.

Tracie: No. He’s my furry family member.

JR: Yah, and you know he looks at things from his Strider the Determined perspective and brings that information into your family circle.

Tracie: Absolutely.

JR: Yah, you know, I find that absolutely fascinating. I also find it fascinating that I used to refer to myself, well before I really started working with animals and relationship, I would refer to myself as, well, let’s say my first dog Squirt, I would refer to myself as her mom. And it’s like I didn’t have any words at the time to substitute for that and now I see the harm that I created by using that word ‘mom’. Infantilizing her to begin with, also in a sense, making her responsible for meeting the needs I would have as a mother.

Tracie: Um-humm.

JR: And I think that sometimes, in the wordings that we choose, that we can put an unspoken responsibility on the animal to respond in the traditional way.

Tracie: That’s a really good point, Janet, a really good point. Because suddenly there are these expectations in that relationship that really don’t belong there.

JR: Right. And you know, at the time, and this only with hindsight that I’ve learned this, thank heavens, and with community and with the help of the animals and like-minded human folks too, but at the time I didn’t realize I was doing that, because that’s what everybody did.

Tracie: Yah, I know. I mean it’s…. and ‘mom’ seems like a step better or more compassionate than being an ‘owner’ — and it is because it implies a family member relationship. And at the same time it’s problematic because of the, as you said, there’s the dynamics that shouldn’t necessarily be put upon the animal.

JR: Right, exactly. So you know, the words we use, the words we choose to use are so fascinating and so poignant….

Tracie: Hmmmm

JR: So what is one step you can give the listening audience to tune into or to learn how to speak differently with their animal family?

Tracie: I think, the best first step is to develop capacity for noticing. So you just start noticing — like when you are talking to your animal family member, or you’re talking to other people about the cat who lives with you, or the dog or the horse, notice the language you are using. Notice the way you refer to them, notice the sound of your voice. Are you baby talking to them. Because Strider, if I ever slip into baby talk, I get the look from him. Because it’s ridiculous, you know, this is an intelligent creature, a family member, so there’s no need for me to baby talk to him, he’s not an infant. So just notice how you’re speaking and the words you’re using. And, then, does that feel right in your body? Does it feel right for me to say, ‘I’m Lucky’s mom’ or I’m that owner, whatever. Just notice does it feel right in terms of how you want to be in relationship with that animal. And notice the animal’s response, their reactions. And so it all begins by noticing, and then you can begin to make changes. And as with any significant changes you’re trying to make, make them slowly, make them one at a time.

JR: Yah. And you know I think when we talk communicating with animals, because we humans communicate via words, so many people think we have to communicate in words to the animals. But you said watch your animal, and to me that means watch their body language.

Tracie: Right.

JR: You know? It’s like one of my cats a long time ago, Mitzie, if she didn’t like what I was saying, she’d literally turn around and give me the tail.

(laughter)

JR: Well, guess I need to check that one out!

Tracie: Oh yah.

JR: Because we all watch body language and they watch our body language, so that is a common denominator we all have that we can start being observant with.

Tracie: Um humm.

JR: And do you have one thing that you can tell people to quiet their monkey mind so that they can go into that process of observation?

Tracie: Wow. So there’s no magic to quiet monkey mind, but something a meditation teacher _______ told me 30 years ago was that you cannot shut if off, so, allow it to stream and then just gently move it to the back. And then you can have thinking mind going on with monkey mind if it needs to chatter, it can chatter ________ and you can say OK, I hear you and I appreciate you and not right now. So you have to step back. That’s one of the things I do, just step back. And the other thing, really simple technique, is to take just 3 deep breaths. Just 3 deep breaths oxygenating your frontal cortex.

JR: And you know you had mentioned the word observing. I would also take that a step farther and say observe, don’t judge.

Tracie: Yes, absolutely.

JR: Yah, we’re taught in our society to critique everything, judge everything.

Tracie: Yah.

JR: Oh no, we’ve done that. We’ve done that enough we don’t need to do that anymore, in my opinion, and that’s said with some hyperbole, because there are times when we do need to. But when we’re trying to change a habit, it’s observation, not judgment.

Tracie: Yah, somebody once said compassionate witnessing. So you’re witnessing compassionately. Witness yourself compassionately, witness the animal compassionately, so there’s always the compassion that kind of wraps around everybody and all the observations, and then from there, you can go ‘oh, that doesn’t feel good in my heart, or my body’ to use that word, or that tone of voice or to interact in that way. I think I’m going to change that. And again, it keeps the judgment down and is something that is rising from your compassion.

JR: I got truth bumps on that. And I have to tell you I think there’s going to be an In Short podcast coming out about that in the near future.

Tracie: Cool.

JR: Yah, that’s really awesome. So Tracie, thank you for being with us today. How can people reach you, what’s the best way to get ahold of you?

Tracie: Best way to find me is either at TracieNichols.com or Substack, which is Tracie Nichols. And the Substack is just articles that I publish when I have the urge to publish an article, which is sometimes every month and sometimes every couple week.

JR: So thank you Tracie, this was really fun!

Tracie: Thank you Janet, this was awesome.

JR: So we’ll stay in touch and I’ll catch up with you later, OK?

Tracie: Sounds great.

Here’s an invitation for you to join me on this path of true kinship with animals. My work is devoted to helping you show up in the world for animals from the fullness of your authentic self. I hope this encourages you to look at your relationship with animals differently so that a new place of understanding begins to open for you.

Just for today remember: We all do better when all creatures do better. Until next time, take good care!

Janet Roper is an animist, podcaster, intuitive practitioner and mentor who for 20+ years has helped people restructure their relationship with animals. To connect with Janet, sign up for her monthly newsletter where you will find out more about true kinship, including her upcoming subscription based service Kindred. Visit her website and give her podcast True Kinship With Animals a listen.