Grief During The Holidays

This is a paraphrase of a quote from Megan Devine, psychotherapist, writer and grief advocate: “Loss gets integrated, not overcome. It is possible to carve out a new life amid the weirdly devastated landscape. Little by little, it is possible for pain and love to find ways to coexist.”

Today I’m bringing up a dear and challenging topic, that of grieving an animal family member during the holiday season.

Disclaimer: Each of our journeys with grief is deep, individual and unique. The story I’m sharing with you is only my story. I am neither a therapist nor a counselor and my story is not meant to replace your grief story, or to replace professional help should you want that.

If you think your grief is above and beyond what you feel able to handle by yourself, I hope you will reach out to grief professionals in your area. Local humane societies, veterinarian offices and therapists are good starting places.

You may just now be entering the hospice, death and dying journey with your animal family member, or their passing may have been recent or in the distant past. The time line doesn’t matter when grief is present.

Grieving your animal family is a topic that colonized culture demands we ignore. Or if we do insist on recognizing it, colonized culture wants us to hurry up and get over it. After all, it’s the holiday season, right?

Truth, it’s the holiday season AND you are grieving. The two are not mutually exclusive.

In colonized society, there is a cultural stigma when it comes to grieving the loss of an animal family member. It defines what should be normal in the grieving process. It leaves no room for us to define and request what we need for our own mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health as we are grieving.

Colonized society discounts the fact it is important and actually healthier to experience grief and take the necessary time to process your feelings.

“It’s just an animal, after all, you can always get another one.” How many of you have heard that before? Comments like this can lead to grieving in silence, denying your body’s felt sense. It compels you to put on a brave face as you disallow your own grief for the comfort of others, or for the very real needed security of keeping your job.

And you are juggling all of this on top of feeling your own devastating and life changing loss.

Grief is meant to be held with community, not in silence and not alone.

The holiday season should not cost you the exorbitant price of needing to mask or deny your grief for the sake of distorted cultural expectations of death and dying.

This week I’m grieving cat Raven’s aging process with his kidney disease, the 7 year anniversary of horse Shiloh’s passing and the upcoming 1 year anniversary of dog Max’s passing.

Of all of those, at this moment in time Shiloh’s story is the one that is tugging at my heartstrings the most, so I will share that with you. When Shiloh died, we weren’t able to be together. I had just moved to Montana and he was still in Minnesota.

The day Shiloh died was one of the most disturbing and overwhelming days of my life, and then that day gradually turned into weeks, and those weeks turned into months. As folx found out about Shiloh’s death, some, with all good intentions, attempted to appropriate my grief. While they meant no harm and their intent was definitely well meaning and kind hearted, the impact of those intentions created harm.

The bottom line: I was not willing to be deprived of my grief. Why?

Because Shiloh and I needed that time to be together in grief to commemorate the end of our time together in the physical and acknowledge our new relationship in the non-physical while I remained here.

During that time, mourning Shiloh, caring for dog Max and cat Raven, and trying to stay on top of those everyday chores like bills and laundry, was almost more than I could manage.

My grief was taking a lot of room and to this day I am comforted knowing I did what was right for Shiloh and myself.

This is a good time to remind you that this is how I went through that grieving experience. It is not prescriptive for how grief is to be experienced by others as we all grieve in our unique way.

Some of the folx who had attempted to appropriate my grief thought I was floundering. I wasn’t. I was purposefully walking with grief as I was directed to so that Shiloh and I were honored. I know I would have created pain for myself, Shiloh and our shared grief if I had attempted to bypass it.

I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the grief Shiloh and I needed for the comfort of a society that is unable to accept death and dying as part of life.

What’s challenged in the colonized version of grieving is the necessity of having the needed space and support in order to safely have your feels. Having a group of like minded beings who are able to hold space for you as you are grieving and who can witness your grief without attempting to ‘fix’ it is invaluable. Folx, that’s not selfish, but it is contrary to the expectations colonized society demands of us.

So, what helps you to experience your grief as needed by you and your animal family members?

1. Knowing your cosmology on death and dying and be sure it works as you need it to work. Just like any other relationship, this needs to be nurtured and tended. Checkins give you an opportunity to see what needs to be cleaned in your cosmology, what needs to be tweaked and what needs to be thanked and removed. I find doing this seasonally works helps me stay on top of this.
2. Remembering self care is what works for you, not necessarily what is promoted on the latest Instagram popularity wave. If meditating works for you, fine; if it doesn’t, don’t do it. Explore what nurtures your essence and being.
3. Tweak or delete holiday traditions as you are able. If there is a tradition of doing a cookie exchange and you’re not feeling up to doing what you have traditionally done, what options are available?

Here’s an invitation for you to join me on this path of true kinship with animals. My work is devoted to helping you show up in the world for animals from the fullness of your authentic self. I hope this encourages you to look at your relationship with animals differently so that a new place of understanding begins to open for you.

To find out more about the one-on-one services I offer on how you can begin to dismantle your connection with colonized influences so that you can deepen your relationship with animals, check out my website at janetroper.com If what you see resonates with you and you would like to inquire about possibly working together, contact me for more information.

Just for today remember: We all do better when all creatures do better. Until next time, take good care!

Janet Roper is an animist, podcaster, intuitive practitioner, non-traditional animal communicator, mentor and educator who for 20+ years has helped people restructure their relationship with animals. Two of her most popular resources are her monthly newsletter and her 5 email introductory series to her signature program Deepen. Visit her website and give her podcast True Kinship With Animals a listen.