It’s Not All Perfect
Do you ever get stuck in knowing how to be with animals?
I don’t mean doing for them — for example taking care of them, making sure they get enough exercise, they have enough food that they like, doing the best you can with their medical care so on and so forth.
I mean how do you be with an animal without your mind jumping to the ‘shoulds’, the ’what ifs’ and the comparisons to other people and the lives they have with their animals?
Another way to put it is how to simply be with animals MINUS the perfectionistic lens we humans are so good at using?
Falling Into Perfectionism
I don’t know, maybe this is a Janet thing and I’m the exception to the rule, as to how folx can simply be with animals without that constant inner dialogue going on.
Somehow, I don’t think so.
With my 20+ years of experience facilitating true kinship between people and animals, I have worked with and witnessed others who struggle simply being with animals. I truly think this is more common than not. While people may experience to differing degrees “doing” as the same as “being” and it may come and go, I see this as a common occurrence when it comes to humans and how we relate with animals.
I was pondering this the other day when I was busy not being with my cat Raven. Raven was content and relaxed, simply being with me without projecting any wants or needs, comfortable in his own body and in his own place in our apartment at that moment in time.
I was thinking how much I want him to be happy with me and appreciate our life together. I know I want to make life as easy and safe for him as possible. I want him to be happy and content in a container called “life is so good and it can’t get any better than my life with Janet” and tie it up with a beautiful red bow.
Wouldn’t life be just ever so perfect if it worked out like that?
Then there was the sudden realization — like a light bulb going on — that’s not realistic. That’s an illusion that points the spotlight on ME and what I want, what I think our life together SHOULD be.
It leaves Raven’s wants and needs out of the picture and assumes what I want is also what Raven wants.
What I had done was to treat Raven as an extension of myself by ignoring his agency, his own wants and desires, authority and wisdom.
That folx, is power-over animals, instead of relationship with animals. It’s a perfect example of living your relationship with your animal pals from an egocentric lens, rather than an ecocentric one.
But it’s so insidious how that sneaks in!!! Here I was thinking I was doing the best I could for my cat Raven, having his best interest at heart, and at the same time I was denying his agency.
It’s very fair to say that was yet another wake up call for me.
The Perfectionistic Lens
Where did this come from?
In part, social media. The unconscious that’s “what everyone is doing” had seeped into my mind as the way things were supposed to be, the right way to be in relationship with your animal family.
In part, old childhood baggage. Everything had to be perfect, done a certain way and in a certain manner. I lived under that suffocating lens ‘what will the neighbors think’? It’s hard to express yourself and live your own life from your own values when the ‘what will the neighbors think’? is stamped into your very being.
Seeing Raven as an extension of myself and ignoring his agency, told me I was using the egocentric lens to view our relationship. That lens originates in colonized settler culture, which puts humans at the center of the universe and sees animals as 2nd class citizens. Using that lens denies animals their agency and leaves no room for true kinship.
In the book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, author Annie Lamott says “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.”
That quote says it so well.
Perfectionism doesn’t lead to a flowing, organic “life is so good” container. It leads to a conditional… “life is so good” container IF the following circumstances occur in the following way and IF I am able to control them in the perfect way ie, like the neighbors do.
When you are consumed by being perfect, it’s easy for the focus to be on mistakes and inadequacies, both your own and others. When you show up as you authentic self, that is deemed not enough. Through the perfectionistic lens, you’re sure things could have gone better, someone worthier would have handled it differently with an improved result and there’s always someone who knows more than you do.
That’s an exhausting place to be, for sure.
But you know what? You haven’t failed. It’s the colonized system that so staunchly pushes perfectionism as THE way to be that has failed you.
More About Raven
Raven joined the Roper family 14 years ago and during that time we have had 5 major moves.
Raven does not like to move and with every single one he has most emphatically expressed the opinion “I don’t want to be there, I want to stay HERE”.
It’s nerve-racking, for sure.
With each move we have had the conversation about what it might look like if he decides to not move with us: who will care for him, what life might be like with a new family, how he would have to make major adjustments to that family and the real possibility he could end up in a shelter.
The decision is left with him.
The hurry up and wait time while Raven is making his decision is distressing and gut-wrenching for me. With the last move, it was truly a last minute call on his part and I had already started acclimating myself and our dog Max that Raven might not be moving with us.
I am beyond grateful each time he makes the decision to move with us. Witnessing Raven using his agency to make decisions that are authentically his strengthens our relationship and encourages me to be more like Raven when I grow up.
Yet no matter how many more times we might go through this, I’m sure my distress and those gut-wrenching feelings won’t disappear, but that’s life when lived in agency.
When you find yourself operating from the colonized sanctioned perfectionistic lens, here is a suggestion that may help:
Acknowledge the lens for what it is: colonized settler thinking whose purpose is to create division and foster the idea animals are “less than” humans. Observe, don’t judge. Ask yourself, “Am I open to exploring different ways I can be with my animal pal as they are acting in their agency?” There’s no right or wrong answer to that question and it’s fair to say the answer won’t always be the same.
I hope this encourages you to discover places where you are unconsciously acting from the perfectionistic lens. When you begin to look at your relationship with animals differently, a new place of understanding begins to open up, helping you to move towards true kinship with them.
Janet Roper is an animist, elder and communicator and for 20+ years has helped people restructure their relationship with animals. Two of her most popular resources are her monthly newsletter and her 5 email introductory series to her signature program Deepen. Visit her website and give her podcast True Kinship With Animals a listen.
